A TAWDRY COUNTY TALE

Once upon a time in Tawdry County, there was an Assessor named Mr. Strongman. He ignored state standards for assessing property values. Seniors who owned condos sometimes had their assessments tripled, while locals who were part of a political organization called GOBAG ("Good Old Boys And Girls") got low assessments.

Mr. Strongman was a talented politician, knowing whose bread to butter.

But the state government didn't like the way assessments were done in Tawdry County, and the state government withheld nearly $1 million in funds for the Assessor's office.

This didn't bother Mr. Strongman, because he had friends on the County Commission who belonged to GOBAG. They gave Mr. Strongman county funds to replace the money withheld by the state. And they supported his noncompliance with the state's assessment standards.

In the Assessor's office, there were some dedicated employees who worked hard for the county. But there were other employees who loafed, doing personal business on county time, or leaving work early. This group of employees was known as the "Thrift Store Gang," because one of their favorite things to do was to go shopping at thrift stores on county time.

Thrift Store Gang members  had a friendly relationship with GOBAG.

One day, Mr. Strongman got an idea: "I'll run for the State Senate, so I can do more favors for my friends." But another politician from Tawdry County, Mr. Strawbus, ran against Mr. Strongman, and they split the vote in Tawdry County. A third guy from Blarney County beat them both in the Senate race.

And so Mr.Strongman was out of office.

In the meantime, Mr. Penwell was elected to be the new Assessor.

Mr. Penwell was a good and honest man - and therefore not a member of GOBAG. This was bad enough, but Mr. Penwell also had a work ethic that caused him to think that employees who were on the clock.... should work!

The Thrift Store Gang didn't like their new boss.

Also, GOBAG didn't like Mr. Penwell being the Assessor. So, some of the leaders of GOBAG decided to create trouble for Mr. Penwell by getting his employees who were members of the Thrift Store Gang to lie against him.

The leader of GOBAG, Mr. Hessman, approached a Thrift Store Gang member, Mr. Hairding with an idea:

"Hairding - is that Penwell treating you OK?"

"He's terrible - he gets on me for how I treat the public, and expects me to do the job the way he wants it done."

"You poor fellow - I feel your pain. I have a plan - if you will do exactly as I tell you, there's some money in it for you."

"I trust anything you GOBAG guys tell me - you've always steered me right. What do I do?"

"Follow these steps to the letter: 1.) talk to Penwell about all sorts of things - be friendly.... then just casually note his Bible on the desk, and start talking about that....2.) Penwell will let his guard down, and after you convince him that you are a fellow believer, he will now and then mention the Bible, or God, or some verse. 3.) at that point, you should perform as poorly as possible without getting fired - take advantage of Penwell's merciful heart, and push him to the limit 4.) at this point you have accomplished two things: First, Penwell thinks you are a believer, and so feels free to share matters of faith, Second, Penwell has to talk to you about your job performance, and because he's a good guy, he'll probably still show respect for you, and treat you as a friend. 5.) this is where the s*** hits the fan - you're responsible for the s***. You file a complaint of religious discrimination, alleging that Penwell forces you to listen to scripture, and punishes you, not because of your p**s poor job performance, but because you don't want to hear verses. 6) We GOBAG members control the County Commission, and we will make sure your complaint gets settled quickly. There will be no opportunities for Penwell to give his version of things, and we will agree to a settlement that'll put a nice chunk of change - how does $30k sound? - into your pocket... you'll need to resign, but you'll have a great severance package to enjoy life while you look for a different job!"

"Well it sounds great! What's in it for you?"

"We will leak news of your complaint just prior to the election. Penwell isn't running, but it will damage his allies, and when it's his turn to run, we'll get some more of your Thrift Store Gang who want some cash to help us out. We have a friend at the newspaper who will blame Penwell for the money we give to you."

"Awesome!"

And this is how things are done in Tawdry County to this very day.