My physician put something in my tea that he said will help me speak more clearly.
America is great again, thanks to my magnificent leadership.
As the greatest President of the greatest country that ever countried, it is imperative that I enforce humane standards of military aggression in the world, especially when it comes to murdering civilians.
I have ordered hundreds of sorties which have killed thousands of innocent men, women, and children. But there were some terrorists killed, too. More importantly, NOT ONE person was killed by chemical weapons. Rest assured, that if you are ever targeted for a violent death at the hands of America's military, it won't be by chemical weapons. America kills children with drone strikes, cluster bombs, napalm, as well as by conventional artillery fire and small arms. And nukes too, I think - history isn't my forte'. Because we are great, it is the United States' prerogative to decide the moral and proper way to kill innocent people. Only America and it's allies may murder civilians, and only with weapons approved by America.
Israel and Saudi Arabia have 007 status, and are licensed to murder with impunity in places like Syria, Gaza, the West Bank, and Yemen.
Now, about Syria. One year ago, a chemical weapons attack occurred in that country. All the people I regularly denounce as "fake news" assured me that Assad was responsible. For reasons I won't disclose, I heeded that mob, and launched about $100 million worth of Tomahawk missiles against Assad's Syrian Arab Army. I realize that evidence later emerged that the chemical weapons were actually launched by terrorists fighting against the SAA, but that is quite beside the point. You see, there have long been plans for a pipeline across Syria - which would redound to the benefit of Iran, Syria, and perhaps Russia. It would undermine American-Israeli-Saudi hegemony in the region, and that is unacceptable to the psychopaths who actually run our great country.
So, a year later, we have another chemical attack in Syria, and the same fake news people who blamed Assad last year, are again laying it on him. Therefore, I will be ordering more attacks on Syria, and will do so before facts have a chance to undermine the anti Assad hysteria.
Because despite the fact that I, your great President, decry the waste and harm caused by our endless wars, those wars will go on no matter who is President.
Please don't tell anyone that I'm not really in charge.